its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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