she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
