Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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