I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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