just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
