I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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