Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
