Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
My hand turned me down
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
