:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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