oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
