Screwed.edu
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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