I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
this is an emotional support booty call
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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