Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
