He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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