I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize