I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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