Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
