BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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