my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
