Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
