im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
