I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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