I'm drive I can fine osifer
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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