fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
