I think I won the penis lottery.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Randomize
