You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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