I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
