The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
