Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
