i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
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