you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
