dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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