things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
