My nipple is on Facebook.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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