There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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