I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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