her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Randomize
