Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
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