Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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