Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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