i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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