Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
