I could make wine with my vomit
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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