he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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