Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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