Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Randomize
