i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
my mouth tastes like poor choices
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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