I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I want to fling myself into the sun
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
