You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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