I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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