I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
