Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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