Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
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