I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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