Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
