Already got asked if we're dating
I think I died a long time ago.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Randomize
