Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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