how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
