It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
