It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
