Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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