I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Randomize
