i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
