The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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